Dearest,
I am sorry to hear that you are down, although I cannot really say that
I am surprised under the circumstances. You are just having withdrawal
symptoms and aching for your Beloved. :)
I think I was going through a similar process especially under the influence
of all the hormones a few days ago. :)
The phone line seems to have croaked for now, but I am going to quickly
write this anyway, while Buddha is still in the driver’s seat in
my brain, and send when the phone is resurrected.
It is sooooo easy to get addicted, to get lost in a person. Maybe because
it is romantic too, to need someone and drown in them, but need is the
fastest way to kill a relationship. Need paves the way for disappointment
because it makes us set standards and have expectations and well...
needs, and puts a great pressure on our partner to try and live
up to it. I know you know all of this already, but I am just mentioning
it again here, on the off chance that you are not remembering it right
now.
Needing someone is a recipe for disappointment. Only your angels can
be with you 24/7, and answer your call whenever you need them. Humans
can’t. Therefore it pays not to be overly sensitive, as you only
hurt yourself. This is something that I have had to learn over and over
and over again.
I hear you on the friends thing. I often felt really betrayed by my
friends when they would just dump me for their boyfriends, or this would
hit me worse when they’d say, “Oh, I am sorry to hear you
are having problems but I can’t talk to you now because I want
to go and talk to/shag my boyfriend instead.” And I would be very
hard pressed not to get offended or shout or say angry bitter things,
because I'd be thinking, oh well, that is great. I listened to all your
problems and now when I am down you can’t be there for me because
it is just not convenient right now.
And then you get over it. You either learn and accept that this is what
your friends do (except some really evolved specimens who had it done
to them and hate it so don't do it to you) or you stop socializing.
Or else you can grumble and be resentful and hurt by it all the time,
but I don't recommend this option. :)
Let your ego have its say, but don't let it be a broken record. Hear
it and then shut it up, own your fears and then release them so they
have no hold over you. Decide whether you are willing to leap, knowing
you could fall. Decide whether you will risk looking like a fool for
love and whether you can bypass pride. Decide whether your soul glories
in it, or whether it glories more in its fear. Decide which part of
yourself you prefer. And then recognize that going from Highest to Lowest
self is just part of their dance, and valuable. Therefore dance and
flow with this change in the comfort that things will get better soon.
When I wail to Suriel, and complain that he is talking to me, what it
really means is I am pissed off because he is not telling me the things
I want to hear. He is just repeating the one promise he can make, which
is, "It is going to be all right". Whatever happens,
happens for the highest good. You are going to be all right. Everything
is going to be all right.
And sometimes, I laugh and think, “Me and my soul’s big
mouth. Why did it think it was a good idea to try and learn all these
lessons?” We always get our wishes and the wishes of our soul.
To know ecstasy we must know the fullest extent of agony first. It is
like art. You need black outlines to mark the shape of what you are
not, where your borders are, otherwise the white of the picture is meaningless,
it is simply a black canvas.
The process is hard. It is like giving birth I guess, where it can drag
out and there can be complications and it hurts, and you are swearing
and cursing and asking for drugs and wondering why you are doing it,
and then in the end it is over and you have your baby and apparently
you forget all about the pain, and are so drugged up with hormones that
you think that it wasn't so bad and that you might even do it again
one day. :)
The fact is and the fact remains, the game is already playing itself
out and there is no going back now. Because Capricorns are half goat
and fond of mountains, I will use a rock climbing analogy. It is like
our souls stand at the bottom of a hill, and they go, "Gee God,
look at that awfully high rock, I wonder what it feels like to climb
it? I bet if I climbed it, I would feel really good. I would have sampled
some more of the full Glory, of the Magnificence of My Being."
And God goes, “Well my precious Beloved one, I will give you
the chance to climb any rock that you wish.” And you go,
“Whippee yay.”
And then you are climbing it, and you forget why. And you look down
and go, “Well, I have been doing this for an awfully long time
and people tell me that I am going to make it... but it is dark and
I don't know where the top of the rock is.”
And you feel unhappy and ego says that you are never going to get
there... that you are doomed to climbing and straining forever.
And I tell you, you are doomed to nothing but being profoundly blessed.
And I figure I better say it now, before I forget it myself. :) None
of this is a curse, but the profoundest gift of experience. You are
not punished but loved and blessed beyond reason, and if you pause to
really contemplate it, to really see it... the love would blow your
mind. When I feel down, and when I want to get out of the “men
are icky” phase, I remember a dream I had of Suriel.
 In
my dream, it was really memories of a past life. It was not earth, or
no earth as we know it, and although I looked human, I just don't think
I was from this planet. Suriel was human too, he was a tall man, blond.
In my dream I was dark, dark skinned, dark haired and I think my name
was something like Sho-nid. I was a young soul then, and in that life
I was extremely extremely angry. I was shut out in an institution, I
was very telekinetic and my wildly flailing telekinetic powers were
just my frustration coming out and making itself felt and heard and
known in the only way it knew how. I have always had problems with voicing
and venting my anger in non-destructive ways, it seems. :) The people
in the institution wanted to kill me, because they said I was possessed
and they knew they couldn't control me. They feared me, and wanted to
kill me in case I had a chance to kill them. In my dream-memory it is
so clear. That white room, high up somewhere, a window, I can see the
sky and the strange spires of a strange city. It is just a cube, there
is no furniture. I am in a corner, wanting to hurl things with the strength
and the anger in my mind and having nothing to hurl.
Suriel is there. He is young too, although his soul is not. He is very
beautiful, his hair is
gold, and wavy and his eyes are the bluest eyes I have seen. He works
in that place, but he is new to it and not like the others. He says
he wants to try with me... try talking to me. They warn him against
it, but he goes in anyway. As soon as he came into the room, my anger
spun out of control, I saw a tormentor, because to me it was me against
them and they were all the same. And my anger finally had a target,
I grabbed him and lifted him up with my energy arms, and held him in
the air, strangling him slowly while my anger raged at him and we spoke
mind-to-mind.
And I said, enjoying being able to torment him,
"And you, pretty one? Have you no fear of me?"
And he replied,
"I have love."
And his soul, his heart, his mind opened itself up to me so that I could
see the truth of that statement. I released him and he fell with a thud,
and he came up and hugged me and it was the first time somebody had
in that life. And I broke down and began crying and he cradled me and
held me and rocked me and I cried and cried, and then began healing.
It seemed that in that life after the earlier darkness, the impossible
pain of that childhood, and the adolescence and the institutions, I
was stunningly happy for the first time. I loved him, and he fell in
love with me. He really was a knight on a white horse, who had given
me a lift from a hellhole into the light. I rescued him right back,
and we began a love affair, that became a marriage I think. He taught
me everything, he healed me, he gave me strength and I loved him beyond
anything and anyone in the world. I loved him with a love that has no
words to describe it, it was so deep. I think we were together for a
few years, and were stunningly happy, and then he was killed and he
died. And my world shattered again. My heart was broken, from the ultimate
happiness I went back to the ultimate misery, and this time round it
seemed much more cruel, I felt like a blind person who had been given
sight and then had it snatched away, and left to wonder lost and lonely
in that awful dark.
 Like
I said, we seem to go through a dark night of the soul in every life.
But this painful process is always a process of rebirthing, and a blessing,
miraculous... even though it is hurtful. We are like snakes, shedding
the skins of our old selves to emerge new and more glorious, more aware
of Who And What We Are and Are Not, more connected, and aware of the
Glory of Ourselves and the One Source, and All That Is.
But anyway, in that life, I remember being very, very angry after his
death, sort of regressing almost, and slamming into walls shouting “WHY?!!!!
Why did you leave me???????????? And why did I not die too?? !! Why
can’t I die damn it! I want you I miss you so badly I think it
is killing me, come back to me, please, I am begging you, come back
to me. Why did you leave me??”
And in the end I felt his presence, his spirit was with me, and he said,
I left so that you could see that you do not need me. I was only the
one who showed you the direction. You are your own strength, and you
can live without me. You are being shown, very lovingly your Full Glory,
and how you CAN overcome this, and How you CAN be strong,
and how you CAN stand on your own and do everything without me.
And I healed again. I still missed him very much, and I died young in
that life (late thirties I think) to be with him sooner, but I had learned,
and I had seen, and I had known that I could survive and more importantly
THRIVE... even without him, without his presence, without his human
touch. He was still around me, he loved me enough to stay but I did
miss his physical presence.
I saw all these images while I was asleep, but it wasn't really a dream,
as much as angel to human conversation. He was trying to explain the
nature of our bond, our relationship, how deeply we are tied and linked
one to the other. He said, that for me, he would give up his wings,
if it was in my best interest, and I understood what he meant. It is
like the line from
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
(looking forward to seeing that movie by the way...) that you
told me: "I would rather be a wretched ghost by your side than
enter the gates of heaven without you." Except that as Suriel
explains, because he loves, he is not wretched. Everything that he does,
he does out of love, so that nothing he does is a sacrifice, and nothing
is a burden. It doesn't feel like one, because he does not view it as
one.
If I pause to think about it, the love really does blow my mind. I feel
so special, that he  would
do so much just to help me out... that he would incarnate, or forego
incarnation, that he would walk through fire and feel no heat, and wait
for all eternity, do anything necessary because he loves me. And here
is the important bit, in that 'dream' I thanked him for being the light
to my dark, always, and he replied in thought and feeling partly shaping
itself as word and all of it pure and absolute love:
"THANK YOU FOR BEING THE DARK, SO THAT MY LIGHT CAN KNOW
ITSELF."
The giver is not a fool masochist getting used. He is rewarded through
the very act of giving. His soul knows this and it is well pleased even
though the Lower Self sets up a ruckus from time-to-time.
There is a line that keeps coming back to me, "Are you willing
to look like a fool for love? Are you willing to step over pride, and
fear, and the shadow of past pain, and keep standing there, and keep
loving, even though you may never get the feedback that you are being
loved back, or that you will be united with your loved one in flesh
in this incarnation?" It is a hard thing to be that beacon,
to truly do something for the sake of doing it, and keep doing it with
only the hope of fulfillment but without need to have it fulfilled.
God is not a merchant, we are not bargaining with Fate or the Universe.
We cannot barter something, saying, “Well I am leaping knowing
that I am not going to fall because there is a safety net below.”
You leap knowing that you can fall, and you can hurt, but YOU
CANNOT DIE and leaping all the same, throwing your all into the
sensation of your flight and your leaping and keeping your eye on your
star. And our souls know that all is well, and they are well pleased.
They glory in the leaping.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience. We are spiritual
beings donning masks for a play and then forgetting, and taking it all
too seriously. Yet this is also no more than a part of that play, of
that dance. The constant ebb and flow of remembering and the forgetting.
Our souls chose the wall which to climb. This was done.
God has sent us nothing but angels. I love that line from Conversations
with God,
that bit that says" ...and the little soul could not imagine
how a being of such light, of such magnificence would ever want to have
so much love that it would lower its vibration to doing something 'bad'
just to help the little soul experience the ultimate forgiveness.
" I understood that I offered Suriel as much as he offered me.
I walked a hard road, a road of darkness, and anger, I willingly called
this condition upon myself, and did it because I loved him, so that
he could experience healing me.
And he left my life with the same overwhelming love to empower me, so
that I could experience myself as a being of ultimate inner strength.
My mom often tells the story of my aunt and the beans. When my aunt
was small, she hated eating, and most of all she hated eating beans.
And my grandfather, who had come from a desolate, poor family and had
been starving all his childhood loathed to see any food wasted. And
one day, they had beans, and my aunt refused to eat because she said,
she hated beans. And very lovingly he replied, "You will learn
to love them, dearest." So, the next meal, the family were having
dinner and my aunt got the beans from lunch. And the same conversation
ensued-
“I hate beans.”
“You will learn to love them my dear.”
My grandparents nearly got divorced, my grandmother thought my aunt
would starve, my grandfather assured her that nobody starved next to
food, and this went on for about three days, my aunt being stubborn
and sulky and my grandfather being stubborn and loving, and then, one
morning, mad with hunger, she ate the by now four day old beans and
went,
“Beans, wow, yummy, this is good.” And he smiled very
gently, and said,
"I told you you would love them honey."
The universe has a similar teaching principle. We cannot run away from
experience. We cannot dodge or avoid our life challenges. The surest
way to run into something is by running away from it.
So, if we go back to the rock, you have already picked the rock to climb,
and wonderful souls from all over, have donned 'good' and 'bad' roles
to help you discover Who You Are and Are Not, and to provide
you with all the experiences that your soul sough out. And now you are
well up on your rock, and you are hanging there, having doubts. All
of us do this, I myself will be the first to say I do it frequently.
However, the fact is and the fact remains, that there is no going back.
This rock will have to be climbed. Your Timeless Self knows this. Your
guides know this, just as they know that all is going to be all right,
because nothing can hurt your Timeless Self. You cannot die, you cannot
be damaged. You can simply succumb to the illusion of death and damage
for a while, but in truth your spiritual self can never be hurt. This
is only a play. It is playing.
It is like we mourn the loss of a battle, without thinking about the
winning of the war.
And we are being told, have faith, have trust, the war is going to be
won. Because really, when you pause to think about it, Fear is Ridiculous.
Totally ridiculous.
It has no point, it does you no good. It will not make the rock disappear,
but more difficult to climb. Being afraid of something will not save
you from it, but rather draw that thing to you in a more terrifying
way.
I am growing to really love Jesus. It blows my mind, when I think he
was so compassionate, that such was his love that he went through his
life to pave the way for the stragglers, to show us how Glorious Our
Souls Are. He was not a victim, because he did not see himself as one,
and I am sure if he got a chance to do it again, he would. And even
though he was on the cross and he cried out, "Father why hast
thou forsaken me?" His soul knew that he was not abandoned,
and that this was simply his greatest darkness drawing closer to outline
the Greatness of HIS LIGHT.
TO KNOW THE FULLNESS OF A THING, YOU MUST FIRST KNOW THE FULLNESS
OF ITS OPPOSITE. How different water is when you have been thirsty.
How extraordinary beans taste when you have been hungry, how wondrous
is warmth when you have been cold, how magical it is to find your road
after you had lost it. So remember this process, and curse it not. You
are not being punished, you are being given a profound and incredible
gift.
The experience is its own purpose and its own reward. Jesus got his
Greatest Desire. He showed the way. I got my desire to be a healer,
I get it every single time there is an ill person who needs my gift.
Without illness healing would be meaningless, and I would never have
experienced this aspect of myself. Therefore, be as a light into darkness,
and truly, curse it not. Bless it instead. Be grateful for what it offers
you. Call it by its name. Know it for what it is, see past its mask,
know its true face.
It seems that every new crisis is not a punishment nor a regression
but draws me closer to my core self. The realizations are deeper, the
period of remembrance longer. My soul is growing, and expanding and
remembering the Fullest Magnificence of Itself all the time, through
every experience And what seems cruel and unfair, is only that, seeming.
In truth it is neither, and that which one views as a punishment is
simply a well wrapped gift.
I know you know this already. I know we are all prone to forget and
need reminding, just as you have so many times reminded me.
Imagine the love that would make a soul incarnate as illness, in order
to give someone the opportunity to experience looking after it and experience
the Magnificence of itself because of it. Like I said, the love is mind-blowing
if you rephrase it, if you really pause to think about it, clearly and
deeply...
...All this reminds me of an X-Files episode I tuned into briefly. In
it Mulder meets some woman, Amanda who claims to have known him in a
past life and to be his twin mate. And as she undergoes regression,
she looks at him and says:
"We come together in this life, only to meet and pass. And it
is so heartbreaking to me to wait."
This rang with me. The separation is hard. It is heartbreaking to wait.
And it is heartbreaking to even contemplate meeting and passing.
At the same time, even if this does happen, it happens for the highest
good. A hard lesson, but a powerful one, and not always needed. Once
you do learn it there is no need to go back to it. And when the woman
and Mulder are talking he plays her the regression tape and she says
she does not want it to be true, because if it was true, she would then
just want to leave this pointless life. And Mulder replies:
"If it is true, then no life is pointless."
And always, always I keep hearing Suriel's sentence, "Thank
you for being the dark, so that my light could know itself."
The healer heals through healing. I understand that now. The healer
heals with love. The healee takes on illness with love. Both souls grow,
from the experience. You have healed me, and you have caused me food
for thought many times, and helping you has helped heal me also sometimes.
I thank you for both.
Our Timeless Selves look on and smile. They are enjoying the play. :)
Love, Nina
©2001,2002Nina
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