Dear Therese,
Welcome
to Soul2Soul!
I
do not believe anything we learn is ever wasted, no matter how late
in life it might seem.
My
feeling for the relationship is a positive one. I do not believe that
it is too late at all, or that the situation is irreparable.
Of
the two of you I would say that K. is the more emotional partner,
which on one hand probably makes him more sensitive and intense and
on the other quite deeply bonded to the relationship. I believe that
he is hurting and may need some space and time to work things out
in his own head but I don't believe that he fundamentally wants to
walk away at this stage.
My
sense is that you have in the past been very quick to move on, and
keep moving and that the challenge for you of the present situation
is commitment, not walking away from something which is difficult
or emotionally demanding.
In
a way it feels like this relationship is about to be given a fresh
start and each of you an opportunity to reassess where you are in
your lives and what you wish from the relationship and each other.
There is a sense of potential and emotional renewal.
I
feel that there is also a good deal of emotional processing to be
done of leftover hurt/baggage from the past. Although this processing
is healthy it is not always easy.
I
believe that K. is going to be the one with more to process as it
feels like he is the one who is more wounded and emotionally sensitive.
On the other hand I feel the best thing for you to be doing now is
to have patience. It may feel like you are currently stuck or stagnating,
but often the times of *meanwhile*, which come between big transitions
are as necessary as they are frustrating. My sense is that you are
quite impatient by nature and part of what you are learning (or remembering)
now is how to stay in spite of that.
I
really feel quite strongly that you will be given an opportunity to
work things out and decide where you wish to go from here. However,
this is not an overnight process. I would say it would take at least
three to six months for some of the processing to be done, allowing
a clearing of emotional space and a re-connection.
I
think it will be important to allow K. a chance to speak of his grievances
without bolting from the situation or being manipulated by guilt.
"The
Dance of Connection" by Harriet Lerner is a useful book on
ways to communicate and achieve greater emotional intimacy.
I
believe one of your gifts Therese is being young at heart, and you
can use that energy in a responsible way to help the relationship,
by having the flexibility of the young, the emotional newness a willingness
to adapt and explore. Although I realise that Patience and Faith are
both highly irritating concepts at times, I feel they will serve you
well here.
Overall
though, despite the challenges of deciding who one is and acknowledging
and releasing emotion, I don't think this marriage is over so much
as transforming and about to be given a chance to start again.
I
wish you the best of luck.
Soul2Moon
