The Way of the Superior Lover

INTRODUCTION

Love seeks expression through our bodies, one way or another. But our sexual gift of deepest love is sometimes limited by a more superficial part of us: our emotional resistance, our fear of opening as the deep love that is our true nature.

We resist opening without limits because our superficial self wants to feel itself as something-even a tense, unfulfilled something- rather than nothing, sheer openness, love without borders, deep being without end.

Infinite love is who we really are and who we refuse to be. This refusal is our most essential tension. Our bittersweet sex life is a clear reflection of this push-me-pull-you drama between our deep desire to be open as love and our reflexive clench for safety and superficial-self esteem.

In sex, we desire to lose our superficial selves completely in overwhelming bodily joy, but we also fear this loss of self. We long to merge with our lover so deeply that our vulnerable hearts are one light, but we also resist this oneness. We ache to let go of all protection and enter nakedly into unguarded love, but we are also afraid of this vulnerability.

We yearn and hesitate to give our deepest depth of being-which is God's depth-through sexual love. This One is all there is and who we are, and yet we stand divided and protected. We refuse to trust.

Our refusal to trust is often grounded in the past: We were abused as a child. We were jilted by an ex-lover. Our partner has been selfish, distracted, closed down, or insensitive.

It is very important to address these realities in our lives through intervention, communication, therapy, supportive friends, wise teachers, and our own personal inquiry and exploration.

In addition, it is often necessary to protect ourselves-physically and emotionally-from abusive and destructive relationships.

Even so, we eventually learn that emotional closure is our own action. We can be responsible for it. In any moment, we can choose to open or to close. Nothing outside of us has the power to limit our capacity to give and receive love. Even while pointing out perpetrators and working to heal the wounds we have suffered in the past, if our heart is not open we are simply refusing to trust the deepest depth of our being. We are refusing to express our open and infinite nature. We are refusing to live as love in this present moment.

Love wants to express itself through our bodies. But even though our deepest self wants to open and live as love, our superficial self is afraid. So we hold back the spontaneous and powerful expression of love flowing through our bodies. We do this primarily by suppressing our breath.

Breath is the way our bodies make love with God. When we are willing to be love, then we are willing to breathe love. When we are unwilling to be love, when we resist the spontaneous expression of our deep and natural openness of being, then we suppress our breath. Our belly constricts. Our heart tightens. Inside, we tie ourselves in knots. Our entire body clenches the flow of energy that wants to move through us. We suffer our refusal of divine openness. We suffer our refusal to live as love.

The fantasy of instant perfect sex may sell, but in reality it takes practice to undo the kinks we have spent years crimping into our bodies and emotions. The way of the superior lover is a way to unbind the knots we have tightened around our heart so we can live free as love. Opening our breath is a key to untying our internal knots so that our love can fully express itself.

We can begin to open by learning to feel sexual energy. What does your internal sexual energy feel like?
Imagine that you come home after a day of working, tired. You lay down on the sofa and relax. You feel like you could lay there forever. Your lover walks over and sits next to you, gently rubbing your shoulders. After kneading your muscles, your lover trails his or her fingertips lightly up and down your neck, leaning over and kissing you. Your lover continues massaging you, kissing your neck, your ears, your lips.

Your breathing deepens. You begin to feel some energy moving within your body. Your lover runs his or her hands down your thighs to your feet. After massaging your feet for a while, your lover takes your toes into his or her mouth, one at a time, and sucks them gently.

You look into your lover's eyes and feel them filled with love and openness. You feel like your are being drawn into a garden of love. A few moments before, your body was exhausted and empty, a worn husk. Now, your body is filled with delight, moving with energy, breathing deeply, percolating with happiness, writhing and alive.

Your lover kisses his or her way up your feet, up your legs, up your belly to your chest. Unbuttoning your shirt, your lover kisses your nipples and then you press your bodies together. Your lover's tongue licks your neck.
Strong energy moves through you now: Your breath is full and deep. You feel wide awake. Your pelvises are rocking together, your spines undulating, your flesh pulsating.

How can you continue to enlarge the flow of sexual energy, enjoying many whole-body orgasms, rejuvenating yourselves, opening your hearts, and surrendering as one in blissful loving? The first step involves understanding how your breath and sexual energy intertwine.

Excerpt from "The Way of the Superior Lover" ©1997-2002David Deida. All rights reserved. PLEXUS

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Visit David Deida's website: www.bluetruth.org

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