Offer Sex for the Sake of All

In intimate relationships, transcending conflict often requires giving what you most want to hold back.

When you and your lover are feeling separated by conflict, how can you shift the energy from tension to passion? If your lover is a man, grab his genitals. If your lover is a woman, be totally present with tender gazes, loving words, and affectionate touch.

A man's body is built so that first comes sexual flow, then emotional openness. For most men, overtly sexual touch quickly opens their heart when it is closed. But a woman's body is built so that first comes emotional openness, then sexual flow. That is, most women don't want to open sexually until they are first open emotionally.

For masculine-essence men, energy opening comes first, then emotional opening. Such a man often needs to feel pleasurable, sexual energy flowing--his woman's hair against his groin, her lips on his neck, her nipples brushing his thigh--before he is relaxed and attracted into life enough to want to open emotionally. The masculine is not at home in life and body, and therefore must first be attracted into the flesh before being willing and able to commune through the heart.

For feminine-essence women, emotional opening comes first, then energy flows. Such a woman wants to feel her man's presence, his caring, his heart connecting with hers, and then she opens in the flow of sexual energy. When a woman is tense and closed, her man would be making a mistake to abruptly grab her breasts. She would feel angry, even more closed, perhaps even disgusted at his insensitive grope.

On the other hand, when a man is tense and closed, his woman would be surprised at how quickly his heart opens when he feels her lips around his penis--the more abrupt and sudden the better. A man's heart openness follows his body's flow of energy, whereas a woman's flow of sexual energy follows her heart openness.

In intimacy with your opposite-essence lover, the doorway to openness is often exactly what you don't want to do. Deep intimacy requires that you know how to open a sexual essence quite unlike yours.

The key to opening a man's heart is to understand that, in intimacy, the masculine essence usually values the gift of life-energy more than the gift of emotional presence. Life-energy--expressed sexually and as bodily radiance--is so valued that many men have left a woman they deeply love for a woman with whom they can flow more deeply in sexual passion. People's hearts are attracted to open by their reciprocal. Masculine consciousness is attracted to feminine energy. A consciously present woman is great, but a gloriously radiant woman makes a man happy to be alive.

A radiant woman, on the other hand, yearns for depth of presence in intimacy. She wants a man who can truly feel her, a man who can feel through her surfaces into her deep heart. She doesn't want a man who is distracted, ambiguous, and all over the place. A radiant man is great, but a man who is truly present provides the feminine with an opportunity to trust, open, and know she is taken into account. She can feel her man's deep integrity and strength of consciousness.

In intimacy, most men are attracted to open with a lover's radiance and into-the-body-inviting energy. Most women are attracted to open with a lover's depth of feeling and strength of conscious presence. This is true while making love and also in the middle of an intimate conflict.

When your lover hurts you, it is common to punish your lover by withholding your gifts. When feeling jilted, women close down sexually and cease to offer radiance. Men pull away and cease to offer presence. Over time, a woman's dark closure or a man's distant avoidance can sever the flow of passion. To re-create an arc of attraction in your relationship, to evoke your lover's desire to open with you heart-to-heart, practice offering the gifts of your sexual essence. Offer radiance as a gift to presence, presence as a gift to radiance.

If your lover is a masculine-essence man, erotically shock his body into full energy-flow, using your radiant body to sexually arouse, inspire, and magnetize his, and then commune with his heart through gaze, touch, and words. If your lover is a feminine-essence woman, feel into her deeply, communicating your fully present love through gaze, touch, and words first, communing with her heart in sweet merger until she begs for sexual contact.

An unexpected poem or bouquet of flowers can open a woman like unexpected oral sex can open a man. "Have I ever told you how much I deeply love you?" can open a woman as much as, "Have I ever told you how much I love to hold you in my mouth?" can open a man. At heart, all men and woman desire to open in profound love. But the body has its locks and keys. The closed feminine body opens in response to loving presence: deep feeling and full emotional connection. The closed masculine body opens in response to loving energy: deep radiance and sudden sexual delight.

First you practice opening and loving yourself. Then you can expand the gifts of your loving. You can practice opening with your lover, skillfully giving and receiving the gifts of presence and radiance, serving each other to open even more than you might on your own. Eventually, as you open beyond your own closure with the help of your lover's gifts, you can begin practicing to open as the entire living moment. As you open beyond yourself, you begin to feel the suffering of all, and you are naturally moved to help all, to love all, to open as all. It hurts to do less. Any closure that you feel in the moment--yours or someone else's--you are moved to feel, breathe, and open. Opening to give and receive love with your lover during times of closure can be a rehearsal for opening to give and receive love open as the entire moment.

As a woman, when you receive your man's deep presence and open to him, don't stop there. Open to receive all. Open as all. Allow your man's presence to be like a wedge that opens your body and heart to receive the presence of the entire moment. Breathe in your man, breathe everyone, breathe the entire moment, deeply into your heart, offering yourself open to be taken by all, receiving and opening to infinity, radiating love from your heart, open alive as all.

As a man, when your attention is drawn to the gift of pleasurable energy that your woman's body gives you, don't stop there. As you breathe more fully--opened out by your woman's loving ministrations--open to feel the radiant touch of the entire moment. Breathe open to feel the shifting colors, sounds, and motions of all, far and near. Allow your lover's sexual invitation to draw you into opening, feeling, and entering the energy of the entire living moment. Feeling outward into all and through all, open as all to infinity.

Through your lover's gifts, open to make love as the entire moment.
When serving your lover, offer your gifts of deep presence and pleasurable energy so that your lover may open as the entire moment, for the sake of all.

Copyright ©2002 PLEXUS & David Deida. All Rights Reserved.

Naked Buddhism
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