It was my intention back in April of 2001 when I started this website, to help others on the path to health and wellness in body, mind and spirit.

In April of 1998, I had to make a major decision, to either literally die from the self-abuse and misery I was in, or to take back my life and live it on my terms. I chose life. At that time I weighed over 200 pounds, chain-smoked and drank heavily on a daily basis. I was suffering from severe depression and self-loathing from years of grief and abuse. On one fateful night, the 9th of April 1998, I began vomiting blood and was rushed to the E.R.. The diagnosis was an enlarged liver. The doctor explained that if I continued with my current lifestyle I would likely be dead within a year.

Within the next year I faced the enormous challenge of getting clean and sober, initiating a regular exercise routine, eating healthy, quitting smoking, losing 80 pounds and bringing my liver back to good health. In the process I was "tricked" into a meditative practice, found my connection to Spirit and developed a sense of inner bliss and joy that I carry with me in face of all obstacles. I overcame my fear of driving that had manifested after an unavoidable accident 12 years before. I learned balance, learned to ride a bike, learned to heal with Reiki, learned to utilize my intuitive gifts, learned to speak my truth, learned to climb mountains, and learned to love and accept myself deeply and completely exactly the way I am. I felt healthy and whole enough to help others.

The month after I started this website, my father took his life. I thank God/dess I had the spiritual tools to deal with the aftermath, but it has been a long, hard road this past year. A road that sometimes careened into old habits and patterns, but the journey is also showing me my strengths and courage, and reminding me of my resolve to love and accept myself even in my weaknesses and faults.

My father's death sent me off my regular 2-mile a day walking habit for months on end as the enormous tasks at hand and the intense physical pain of grief took its toll. I know experts would tell you to continue your exercise and daily routines as much as possible during times of stress as exercise not only improves the body, but can heal the mind. But I am human, and know full well that what the mind knows is right is sometimes just too difficult for the body to follow.

My regular healthy eating habits of plenty of fresh vegetables, fruits and whole grains fell along the wayside as I couldn't eat anything for over a week and then could only choke down Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream and crates of fresh strawberries. I began to drink occasionally after my Aunt's arrival from Japan, reassuring myself that I would never drink alone or to access as I had in the past. But alcohol adversely affects metabolism as well as clear thinking. I gained 40 pounds in the ensuing months of pain, chaos and turmoil that I had been thrown back into.

So, here I am, a person who'd overcome so much adversity and had gotten themselves happy, healthy, spiritually and mentally together spiraling downward back into the abyss. I felt unworthy of the task at hand in writing the text for the "Body" section of this site, until Spirit told me that is exactly what I must do. I'm not Superwoman. I'm a spiritual being having a human experience and all of this is valid. If I can show my progress back up from the depths of despair again, this will reinforce the perception that all is possible, that pain and grief is a process we all face, and to face it with loving self-nurturing. We are all here to learn together, learning to be human, learning to heal.

I'm back on track now, back to my regular walking and biking (after replacing my stolen bike this week). I've released 10 of the 40 pounds I'd gained, but have also found a strong message in acceptance of self and its impact on desirability and beauty. In the midst of continued adversity I'm still finding my bliss and serenity, though sometimes I just have to look a little harder.

I will continue with this plan of outlining how I originally attained my health, weight release and spiritual awakening but with a new twist, I hope to update you on my progress back to balance and health after adversity. I hope this will assist or inspire anyone else out there who is on the verge of giving up hope and anyone undergoing enormous stress or grief. Have faith in a bright new tomorrow.

Blessings of health, love & light,

Harusami
July 15, 2002

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