September/October 2003

Hello Dear Souls,

It seems almost ironic that my July/August newsletter article was about "Hardships," my mother unexpectedly passed away in July, and the "hardships" and challenges of her passing have kept me from getting this newsletter to you until now. My apologies for the delay, and the delay in replying to the many letters to Soul2Soul in these past few months. Your concern and support is much appreciated, I sincerely thank you all. This month I wish to share my thoughts on

Forgiveness

This has been quite a year for me, just as I thought I'd passed the major hurdles of the last 2 and a half years since my father's suicide, but this has been a year of new challenges and major revelations. An underlying theme to this year has been "forgiveness." It is said that we come to our greatest spiritual evolution by attaining pure love and true forgiveness for all beings, a challenge much easier said than done.

It is said that with true forgiveness, the reason becomes forgotten, the wound inflicted is never again remembered. Forgive and forget. This is a noble goal to aspire to, but almost humanly impossible to attain. Ego, our survival mechanism, will remember bad experiences and wounds to protect us from future injury. We can choose to hold on to the bitterness and anger of the situation, or learn to see the bigger picture, the "soul's view" of all that transpires.

As some of you know, my fiance and soul mate was killed by a drunk-driver over 20 years ago. This one traumatic event changed my life forever. My perception of this 24-year old event was turned on its ear only this year when I found out from two separate sources that my fiance's death was not an accident, but that he had been murdered by the Mafia. A dear friend once told me about an ancient Chinese curse, "May you lead an interesting life," I only wish my life were less "interesting."

My head reeled from this information, my father was the only one who'd actually suspected that this "accident" was something more sinister, but I was assured by all the principles involved at that time that it was indeed a tragic accident. I was also shocked at that time by a mysterious offer from my fiance's closest friends that this drunk-driver could be "taken care of" if I only gave the word. Of course I declined this "favor," the man I loved was dead, my world was crushed, and another man's death would not bring him back. Vengeance for an accidental death was unfathomable to me. Now 24 years later, hearing that the man who killed my soul mate had actually laid in wait for us to leave that restaurant on that October night in 1979, and "picked him off like a squirrel on the street" according to the taxi driver who witnessed the event and gave chase, so many issues and scenarios came flooding into my consciousness, had I known, would I have made a different choice? Would I be living with the blood of this man on my hands?

I know now that I had been protected from my self in these years, had I known of Sus's murder, at the time I would have found a way to extract my revenge on his murderers with my bare hands. I was told that my own father would be "hit" if I had so much as hinted at a mob connection in Sus's death. Suddenly all these "gaps" have been filled. Of course my first impulse at this news was anger, renewed grief and rage. But now 24 years later, the men involved are all dead, or feeble 90-year olds. My own father is gone, Sus's best friend, and catalyst to this tragic event died from a heart attack a few years back.

I wondered why Spirit would find it necessary for me to learn this truth now, why did I have to revisit this tragedy again? The answer was clear, because I'd finally attained the spiritual tools needed to face this, and I needed to know this truth in order to be given the choice to forgive. No, it hasn't been easy, there is a dreadful darkness in knowing that a human can so callously end the life of another human over money, territory, power and greed, yet we see this daily in the news. This daily drama of the human condition, the heroes and villains in our life's stage play.

But I also need this information to forgive myself. I harbored such pain and guilt for Sus's death all these years.... that night at the restaurant we had our first fight, I left the restaurant in a fit of undeserved jealous rage. He followed me out, trying to calm my fears and explain this terrible misunderstanding that had taken place. He was hit by the driver as he was about to enter the car as I sat on the passenger's seat. I heard nothing but a soft swish and thud and wondered why he hadn't opened the door. I saw his form laying 50 feet away in the darkness. I ran to him, he moaned that he had been hit, that it hurt. I was panicked, cradled him, told him he would be all right. I ran back to the restaurant in what seemed like slow motion...screamed for an ambulance ... ran back and held him until it arrived. He died the next morning in surgery, a ruptured aorta.

I couldn't forgive myself. Had I not left the restaurant at that exact time, I felt he would still be alive. I couldn't forgive God for taking away a man I loved more than I thought humanly possible, and I couldn't forgive me for my petty jealousy and anger that caused his death. Now I see that it would not have mattered when we left that night, the dice were loaded. I didn't kill him. God didn't take him from me, but embedded him in my heart. The pain and grief from that time so long ago molded me and tempered me into a resilient soul, I grew in strength and compassion.

So, this past year I've had to face the choice of forgiveness or bitterness from my father's suicide, Sus's murder, my aunt's betrayal, my mother's death, and my own disappointment in myself for the choices I've made. It's said that one cannot love until they love themselves completely, it's also true that true forgiveness begins in forgiving one's self. There really are no "accidents" in this life, no "mistakes," only continuing opportunities to grow in love and forgiveness. The choice is ours, forgiveness is for us.

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New in Soul2Soul

I'm pleased to announce two wonderful souls have joined our Soul2Soul Readers, please welcome Soul2Paula and Soul2Lora! You can read more about them on their Soul2Soul Reader pages or see examples of their readings in our "Ask An Oracle" column and archives.

For all of you in the Denver area, the Celebrations Metaphysical Fair will be running from October 10-12 at the Denver Merchandise Mart. Please stop by and say "hi", I'll be reading in booth #45.

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Blessings of peace, love & light,

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